Sunday, June 18, 2006

Developmental Stages in My Married Life

Come this 22nd of June is our wedding anniversary, our twenty-six years of being husband and wife. Long years and I could say I am really proud and happy though of course, not perfectly happy. I really don’t want to miss a post on this. So I decided why not write about my married life now, at this moment while I am sitting in front of my desk top? For if not now, I’ll not be able to. I am too busy at work and with my notes for my course. So I’ll write now.

But what to write, really? My married life is not that perfect. I could say I cried buckets of tears also .At times, I’ve been ecstatic too. And I’ve been sad too. There were disagreements on how to relate with our children, most of the times. But there is something that made us communicate, though at times very difficult, and decide for a better way. We learnt how to be acceptance of each other. And so after the fights, after the misunderstandings, we are still together. We developed as individuals, as a couple, not perfect but mature. Yes, we are mature husband and wife now.

I have read much about Lilian G. Katz of the National Association for the Education of Young Children. Now that I am taking a course as subsidized by NTUC (Thank you very much!!!), I am refreshed on so many concepts about early childhood education. She presented the concepts of the developmental stages of teachers. She suggested that no one can enter a new social role as veteran. She has to progress in stages. And this concept is so true. For in my married life, I also developed in stages. That is why I want to write here the stages of development in my marriage based on Lilian G. Katz principles.

STAGE 1 SURVIVAL

I met my in-laws who came from an entirely opposite background as my own parents/ family. It was so difficult for me to accept how they behave, rationalize and socialize. Most of their values were so difficult to accept. I came from a family who value respect for another person, his feelings, rights and even belongings; that there should be magic words like “thank you, please and I’m sorry”. Since, we were living with them though both of us were working, I asked myself many times: “Can I survive this situation? Can I face these people day and day without me being offended or me not fighting back? Can I handle the fact that my husband took it as his responsibility an entire clan?”

My love for my husband, the understanding and patience developed in me by my parents and enhanced by my education combined with prayers, made me stayed on with them. I developed skills and insights into the causes of behaviour of each one of them. And I said “I will survive”


STAGE 2 CONSOLIDATION

After a few years, I was able to accept the fact that I was capable of surviving issues with those people who were either “hot or cold”. I was able to understand more why my husband was too understanding of them and why most of the times he let them affect his personal decisions even with regards to his own family. I was able to gather informations on how and why my husband behaved in such a way.

With my consolidation of facts about my husband, I was able to understand him more. Though it was so painful for my ego, I tried my best to let him be the best son, best brother and best relative that he could be. At times or I could say most of the times, his role as a husband and a father were compromised, I tried my best to support him on his wishes. There were a lot of fights, but in the end, our love for each other prevailed.

My readings on many books about relationships and marriage made me stayed with my husband. The value of matrimony as inculcated by my parents and my being a Catholic made my relationship to my husband and including “them” bearable.

STAGE 3 RENEWAL

I came to a point and asked myself why I am living this married life centred on a clan? I came to a point that I was too tired in understanding these people whose needs and expectations were getting bigger and bigger. I could not handle the pressures of being near them and living my life as a wife and mother based on what they dictated both directly and indirectly. I married because I wanted to be happy with a person I love not with people I must like. So, I became so uninterested on how to make them happy and satisfied (they were not satisfied actually!!!!) I just wanted my husband and my children in this relationship.

A new country, a new life, a new lifestyle renewed our relationship. Though there were fights, fights about them were minimized and those fights were mostly about the two of us. Finally, we became a real couple. This was the happiest stage of my married life. And I was so thankful to God.

STAGE 4 MATURITY

Finally, I came to terms with who I am. I am now a mature person and wife and projected maturity in all my other roles. I am confident with myself and is happy that yes, my life may not be perfect but I am confident being married to my husband for all these years.

Our trips and holidays overseas, precious moments with each other, day to day communication are helpful in our relationship now.

We are now mature, but not perfect. We still fight. Big fights at that. But then we know that we could not live without each other. And may God help us to reach the golden year of our married life.

And to my husband Napoleon, Happy Wedding Anniversary!!!! And Happy Father's Day too!



11 comments:

sachiko said...

Hello luchie,how are you and your family?

Happy anniversary to you and your husband, what an aptly post for Father's Day too. Mine is 22 years,hmmm...

I hope my marriage will be as strong as yours, i shall be remembering these pointers you have written. Thanks a lot.

rolly said...

Hapy anniversary to you guys. Marriage is journey and journeys, no matter how far, should be enjoyed with someone else. And what a journey it is, huh?

And a happy father's day to your hubby.

ruth said...

happy anniversary to you two! wow, 26 years!

Major Tom said...

Hi Ms. Luchie. Happy Wedding Anniversary to you and your loving husband tommorow.

Indeed, you rarely talked or wrote about your married life, especially bout your husband and its quite refreshing for you to discuss the almost-always complicated affairs between husbands and wives, coz I also had felt that way somehow, adjusting to my inlaws while living with them. My wife kasi is an only child and we have no choice but to live with my ageing mother-in-law. Its difficult at times, especially the adjustment but in time, I just learn to be patient and understanding as to why things are supposed to be that way.

elizabeth said...

Happy anniversary!!!

husticia said...

Hi Ate Luchie,

been awhile since napadaan ako and it's nice to read an entry like this. Happy Anniversary to you and your hubby and many more anniversaries to come.......

Luchie said...

*Sachiko, hello and am sure your marriage is very strong what with a vibrant personality as yours.

*Rolly, thank you. and your right, marriage is a journey.

*Ruth, thank you so much!

*Major Tom, yeah, we learn to be patient and understanding in the process for we deal with the very love of our life.

*Elizabeth, thanks

*Justice, hello to you and thanks for the greeting!

VICKY said...

luchie
the most complicated of relationships is that of husband and wife. Happy anniversary and cheers to your strenth in having to cope with an extraordinary situation like yours.

Luchie said...

* Vicky thanks for the visit. I'll link up your site.

bingskee said...

hi, luchie,

i know this is kinda late but allow me to say a few words. they say that a husband and wife can live better without the inlaws. to live and survive as a couple, apart from the influences of others is always better. but i say that it is your love for each other that have kept you together with or without the others.

Luchie said...

I think you are right Bing! A husband and wife can live better without the inlaws. Now that I am already a mother-in-law, I learned to be more sympathetic to my son-in-law. What with him being good to my daughter and grandkids.